Connecting moms in Polk County, Fla.
Divorce, kids and all....
Well my divorce went to court last week! While that was the final part of everything, I'm anxiously waiting for my official papers. There is just a huge weight off my shoulders, I know I'm going to have to deal with him for the sake of our kids - but I'm just so much better.
Its been a rough few years with everything; pregnancy, bad marriage, making that decision to separate, single parenting, finding yourself again, new relationship, living on 1 income.... But I persevered - I think that is why I feel the way I do now that it's official, I feel like I can close the book; even though I started writing my new story....
Does that make sense to anyone? I am still dealing with the frustration of parenting 2 little ones that go back and forth between homes and trying to get "me" time in as well. It's difficult when he takes them pretty much 1 night during the week day, and 1 weekend a month (when weekends are the only time I have off, I really don't want to do much after working all day..) How did you get through it and feel like you were doing a good parenting job? I mean I know I'm not a bad parent, I just think some things can be done better (i.e. needs TONS of PATIENCE!)
The new story - finally HAPPY and having all the characteristics a person would want in a relationship. Some may think its really soon (I met him 2 months after he moved out) but I look at how long my marriage was really over for and we were both miserable.... and think that its not... So my question is what do you think is too soon to get back into a serious relationship?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Shawn Spivey on -
Stacie, if you're happy, I'm jumping up, crazy excited for you!
As far as going into a relationship so soon, a good relationship doesn't fall out of trees into our laps. We have to take them, when we can get them, even if the timing seems wrong.
You did mention finding you in all this and I hope that you can, or have, or do. That part can sometimes be hard when you're in a relationship. We sometimes morph into making ourselves more in tune to what our partner needs.
Be what you want and NEED to be should be found in yourself. If the person you choose to have a relationship with loves that you, well then, it sounds like you're set to go.
For me, I need some time to really think about what I actually need in a relationship. Some of you may already know this, but, I, myself am going through a divorce for the second time. It took me awhile to come to this decision, I'm the one that filed. I kept thinking I could fix "it" and the stigma of being twice divorced was crushing. But some things are more crushing than stigmas and my marriage was one of them.
In both of my marriage relationships they needed me. I mean, REALLY needed me. Both relationships were focused on their life and what I could do to repair or fix it.
So, I know what my problem is when it comes to relationships and I have to stop that cycle. I have to stop needing to be needed. I'm just wore out and the drama that comes with some of that one sided relationship stuff is just too much.
I'm finally to a point I'm tired of being the saver, I need to be saved. :) If any of you all know of a Prince Charming type, do let me know. :)
So, the moral of my little tale, I don't want to hijack your discussion, I went to a therapist for the children in all of this and talking to him about continuing to sacrifice my happiness for the greater good (for the younger kids) to be more financially secure (because that is scary) by staying with hubby but in the end he told me, the old adage is true: If momma isn't happy, then no one is happy. It's important for children to visualize a healthy relationship and to see their parents happy. So you're already on the right track coming back to happiness. Good for you!
Congratulations on almost being done with your divorce. Mine has been long and drawn out, but I think it's soon to come to an end too.
So, stay happy, stay true to yourself and your needs, and good luck!
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Permalink Reply by MandyJay on -
I'm with Shawn -- it's about what's working for you.
I'm also with Shawn on the divorced twice thing. Nope, not on my list of "things I thought I'd ever be able to say about myself," but we live and learn :)
For me, personally, I married my (third, holy cow) husband a year and a half after my divorce was final. We'd started dating about when you did, a couple months out. We celebrate our third anniversary in August and I still couldn't be happier. The man is just awesome. Sometimes, when we've been through terrible relationships, I think it enables us to cut straight through to see what is *right*. I know if he'd pulled anything even remotely like what my exes pulled, he'd have been out the door. Period. It's just that simple.
Don't ask me why it took me two marriages to get that message. I couldn't tell you. But I sure got it now!
All this to say, you know what's right for you. And if this guy is right, he's right :) Be happy!
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Permalink Reply by Stacie (Paco10778) on -
It's funny Shawn should say "If momma isn't happy, then no one is happy." Alexis asks me all the time, "Mommy are you happy?" - I think she knows the answer, but asks it anyhow. It both breaks my heart but makes me happy knowing she kind of knew I wasn't happy and now that I am.
When cleaning up, I found a letter I wrote my ex towards the end of what I visualized a healthy, happy relationship is to me and what all we were missing. Those 5 things I wrote down (I know there is more to it than that, but for importance purposes I narrowed it down) - I have all of those now.
My SO and I enjoy the same hobbies, compliment each other very well (trait wise) - though it looks like we're cut from the same mold sometimes, do not care for drama -in the relationship or dealing with other people, have some of the same beliefs and I have to say he was my saving grace throughout this whole ordeal. He's been through the same situation and has had time to reflect and me not going through it, I got my side (sympathy) as well as a man's point of view (when it came to being too hard on the ex, custody, kids, money, etc).
So I'm living in the moment now, like the person I am (not what I used to be) and don't sweat the small things anymore. Plus I don't have to worry about him - he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself (and me, when I need it (I've had to learn to ask for help since I'm so prideful, stubborn and never ask people for anything if i don't have too- but he understands that))
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Permalink Reply by MR Mom on -
Hi Stacie,
If you need to ask what is too soon then you probably know the answer. Todays society has no real rules on the subject, but a great number of authors have written opinions on the subject. One such, DR Joy Browne (Dating for Dummies) would suggest waiting a year. Its a rather simple explaination too, we go from being someones child, to someones spouce, to someones parent and it takes time after a divorce to become someone single. Once you become happy with who you are (so to speak) then you offer something to a relationship as opposed to finding what you need in a relationship. We all want to feel loved, valued and even treasured by someone who makes us feel better about ourself. Being in a relationship too soon is a great way to heal those wounds, but what do we do with a bandaid once we are healed?
Im not saying this cant work for you, being involved that is, just that happiness does not come from what anyone in this world gives you but from what you can give to yourself. Being able to share the fact that you are valuable as a single person and not needing to feel valued certainly gives us and you a better chance of success.....which I think thats what we really want in the end. I say a lot of this with my own personal experience in mind also, having been divorced 10+ years and being happy as well. I know a relationship would add a certain quality to my life, but I dont need one to survive :-)
Best wishes!
Phil
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Permalink Reply by Shawn Spivey on
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MR Mom, that is said very well and you bring up some valid points.
I still have to run with the fact you can't make a relationship with just anyone. If a solid and good match presents itself and you pass it by just for the sake of enough time hasn't gone by yet, will another "match" make it your way? I'm not sure the sake of waiting is worth losing that chance.
As for myself, I definitely haven't picked up a relationship, I knew I needed time to heal. My husband moved out of our home November of 2011, so, 7 months ago, and there was NO relationship for at least a year before. The relationship before that definitely was up and down with more down than up. It has been a long time since I've felt I've had a partner in life.
I've actually enjoyed living on my own in so many ways. An unbelievable PEACE came when he left.
As time has gone longer, I am starting to miss companionship. Someone to chat with, travel with. Most of my friends are married couples and I feel like a random spare wheel sometimes when out with them and I try to be considerate of their time together by not pulling them apart. So far I've done some movies by myself, and again, it was refreshing at first, but it starts to feel weird not to have someone to turn to and say, "Well, what did you think?".
I'm not ready yet, but I've healed enough to not swear off a future relationship entirely. I started out with, "I'll never be in a relationship again!" so, I've progressed. :)
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Permalink Reply by Stacie (Paco10778) on
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Mr. Mom - I wasn't questioning my decisions, I was asking people's opinion because my family and friends think it is too soon. What they don't understand is the internal struggle I have had for a long time and that I was able to come to terms with a lot of things in myself and what I want out of a relationship. I finally have that now - and have basically told F&F thanks for your concern but I'm OK. Although I have never been one to worry about what other people think either - I was just curious.
Shawn - so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you were in kind of the same boat as me - I knew it was to the end when I was pregnant with Harleigh and at the same time - I couldn't be in a loveless, sexless tumultuous relationship for the sake of the kids. I had to be happy and raise my kids in a loving environment and for them to know that it's ok to be independent and not rely on someone but at the same time if you are in a relationship it is not solely because you need them but because you want them in your life along with there is a connection, communication and a sense of caring between 2 people. Its cute that my oldest (4 in August) asks me all the time - Mommy are you happy? while she knows the answer... or when he leaves for work on the weekend and gives me a kiss, she wants one too..
Nonetheless - I self discovered and knew what I wanted and didn't want during that last year and 1/2 before he moved out. We were living under the same roof in different rooms for 8 months, so I did my thing and got back to myself and my hobbies....
Shawn - call me if you ever want to meet up for dinner, movie, drinks, bowling - whatever! we have our time together and yet both understand that we each need our "me" time as well with the other facets of life...
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Permalink Reply by Shawn Spivey on
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Stacie, thank you, but please don't be sorry. Although it is a huge disappointment, this really is a good thing for all involved and should have been done long ago. Although there are struggles, I have to believe it's worth it. :)
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Permalink Reply by Stacie (Paco10778) on
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Shawn - I know what you mean!!
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